WTR begins on Friday night at 7:00 pm. We wanted particular seats within the conference room, so we arrived at 5:00 when the doors opened ... which turned out to be an unnecessary effort. Wifey works until 4:00 on Fridays, so arriving at 5:00 was an effort and did not allow time for Coffee or Food. Not to fear, there is a Starbucks conveniently located on the first floor of the Marriott.
Which closed at 5:00.
A quick google search revealed the next closest Starbucks - 1 mile away ... or about a 20-minute walk. Luckily we had 1.5 hours to spare.
Did I mention it was raining?
It was raining.
So we walked to Starbucks (and McDonald's) and arrived back at the conference room in time for Session 1! Our focus on surviving the rain, carrying our umbrellas and caffein precluded what would otherwise be some awesome pictures. Tear!
The first session, titled "Why Marriages Fail" focused on the challenges that prevent us from achieving the oneness that God designed for our marriages. For those of us who married after a decade or so of independent adulthood, these often include the expected process combining disparate backgrounds in areas such as our values, vocations, Religion, finances, or family history.
The second threat which can cause marriages to fail is our culture's pattern requiring marriages that are 50:50. The third - the inevitable difficulties of life. I have yet to peek into someone's marriage that doesn't include difficulties such as sickness, job loss, infertility, or family drama. We all experience these seasons, and they can draw spouses closer together or drive them apart. The fourth threat is attempting to escape from reality or search for fulfillment outside the marriage. The fifth threat, selfishness, colors the first four.
Can you imagine negotiating a new normal in merging backgrounds ... absent selfishness? Simple.
Can you imagine selfishly only giving your marriage a half effort? Nope.
Consider life's difficulties - more likely to draw selfless partners together? I think so.
The second, "Can We Talk" focused on communication styles. Consider these on several spectrums (with our self-identified choices below).
Hubby in bold
Wifey underlined
Land-the-plane v.
Enjoy-the-ride
Share-your-feelings v.
just-the-facts
thinking-out-loud v.
let's-take-turns
Each of these focuses on HOW we like to talk. Do we prefer to take turns or to interject as thoughts occur? Do we want to get straight to the point, or enjoy many tangents along the way? Do we focus on emotions or logic in our conversation? Knowing the natural tendencies of your partner will allow us to better understand when those tendencies conflict with our own as well as will allow us to better tailor our messaging to be best received.
The second part of session two covered communication levels ... you know how you will answer the greeter at the local Kroger as follows:
Greeter: "How are you"
You: "Fine, Thanks!"
but then, when your best friend calls, the conversation looks a bit different:
Friend: "How are you"
You: "I'm really struggling, we have some new processes ongoing at work and the resulting interpersonal conflicts is stressing me out. Also, I'm so busy, my quiet time is falling by the wayside. I want to make a difference for the Kingdom, but feel like I'm spinning my wheels"
That is the difference in communication levels ... ideally, you'd connect with your spouse at the deepest level, where you share WHO YOU ARE. To those of you who are married ... are you connected to and communicating with your spouse at deep levels? Do they truly know you?
Here are some points on how to listen and communicate well that stuck out during our lesson:
- Give focused attention - divorce your phone
- Be each other's safe place. Your spouse will not trust you with their heart if you aren't a safe place.
- Focus on WHAT is being said, not THE WAY it is being said.
- Sometimes saying nothing is the best answer. Our speaker called this the "Ministry of Hush". When we participate in the Ministry of Hush, the ministry of the Holy Spirit can do its job. You are, in reality, not your spouses Holy Spirit.
- Men gravitate to places of honor. Women gravitate to places of love. Speak to each other to show these things and your spouses will want to spend time with you.
Having started our marriage in weekly counseling, and read a number of communication style and conflict style books most of the concepts were not particularly new or shocking to us.
Our project for Friday night included discussing our individual responses to questions throughout the text and how various marriage killers impact OUR marriage. We were up until 1:00 am discussing! (If you've ever met Wifey, 1:00 am is not a time she acknowledges).
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Interested in another perspective on WTR? Check out our friend Vance's blog covering the same topic. There you'll find far fewer pictures of food and far more theology!
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Read the rest of our series on WTR at the following links:
